08 January 2006 @ 04:24 pm
pre-competition lesson
I just had my first lesson since December break. But that's not really what I want to write about. I want to write about something I don't really understand- your voice/body/mechanism/mind taking over the "controlled"/FREE singing that you do.
I can sing my repertoire when I roll out of bed. I don't have to warm up and the high notes will be there. I have to warm up a bit and the low notes sound BETTER. But either way, I'm always "on" in terms of auditions. I don't have big breakdowns or nerves that I can't deal with.
Two years ago the two competitions I did I also did not have any nerves. Well, sure, I am a bit jittery/excited/nervous right before I start singing, and even a bit of the way through, but it has never REALLY influenced a performance of mine.
Over two years ago during my senior undergraduate recital was when I first experienced nerves that can take down my performance. Granted, I was kind of on the rebound of being sick, I was extremely overworked, overbusy, and overtired. I had many concerts with another on-campus group at that time, as well as the hardest final of my undergraduate career to deal with that same week.
When it came to singing- and I was prepared for all of the songs- overly prepared even- my head started to get the better of me. I started being aware of my vocal production, which led to it getting shaky because my larynx rose due to nerves. It was all in my throat, and I felt a flutter enter the voice. I felt that production was compromised, and that I was falling back on "technique" to get the sound out instead of just plain easy singing where I didn't have to think about anything.
Now, in the recordings, sure- it's not my best. BUT it's also not that noticeable to people who have never heard me or to anyone who has.
I may have been singing with what felt like was a huge dry lump in my throat, but the notes still came out, a bit softer than usual, and a bit airy.
That feeling has not really happened to me since in a whole performance. This summer during the one performance when all of my family was there I did get that feeling during the MIDDLE of the aria on-stage, but when singing "easy" rep (well, for me), it was pretty easy to deal with as well.
I think it was almost like on-stage anxiety- when I realize what is "riding" on this, what I'm actually doing, how "great" it is--but instead of thinking how great it is, I start getting nervous that I'm in such a big important place and I'll mess up or not do my best, and then the larynx thing happens.
I have not had a lot of vocal pedagogy, so I'm not sure if the laryx rising is the correct term for what is happening. It's mental, but it establishes itself physically in my throat. All of a sudden I feel an immense dryness. I feel like I can't sing a note because I just cried or screamed for 2 hours. I feel like I could control what I'm only if I either persevere (ie push) through it, or take it down a dynamic notch and try to calm whatever is jumping up and down in my system.
So the performance this summer. Again, no one noticed it. I just had a brief moment of --panic? Or mental overstimulation that got in the way of something that should happen freely and that I was prepared for.
Now to turn to today, or a previous performances. It has happened for what seems like forever to me, but what really is about a split second (or five) at almost every major performance I've had in the past 2 years.
Daughter- during the first duet. Medium during the Waltz. Lucia it didn't happen with this year- but I could feel it coming during the first aria and then suddenly it was not there.
I'm really talking tiny moments that no one else but me knows that something is just "not right". I sing through it even though I feel like my whole voice will give up under the pressure of this weird sensation.
It's almost like a hoarse sensation that only affect the high notes (the easiest for me)...and then I have to "think" about the notes, place them, instead of just sing them and have them be free like they always are.
Now, before the senior recital this never happened. I was never nervous, or aware that something could go wrong vocally or dramatically. I think I still have a lot of confidence- more than the average singer- would going into any vocal situation.
But these occurances make me think about how to overcome them and also what they mean.
Is it my mind catching up to the kind of unexplained and magical output of notes and voice that I have?
Truth be told, I have never had to really work hard for singing. Learning the music, yes. Drama on stage, dancing, yes, but the actual vocal production? No.
Runs, legato, whatever song, aria, duet, role- once I learn it it's there and it's usually in the right place.
Is my mind questioning how I get there? While on-stage? Is it actually that I DO have some sort of technique that has made it easy all of these years for me to just have to learn music and have it be well supported, in the right place, and not have to be fussed with?
Why can I be so confident and on the right track up until opening night, and then for some reason the nerves surrounding the first performance on stage for an audience get to me? And then get in the way of what I would usually not have to think about at all?
Well, today's lesson was a practice run for the weekend competition. I know I am in between good and better places in terms of some technical things. To clarify, I like to jaw, over-chew, and have sensations of singing, instead of just letting the singing happen from the top of my cheekbones and up.
The former worked for me when I was a tiny little thing and didn't have the VOmanly sound that I do now and didn't have to think about breath support, etc.
The latter is what I need to concentrate on to keep every note on the high side now that I have learned how to attack a note with good support behind it and not just sing on the leftover air inside.
It's not any type of difference to me, but to teachers and coaches alike, they say the sound is much more supported, open and round when I do this, and combined with the crazy high Q's that is a good thing.
So now I'm not just a waify high Q singer, I also have some meat on those bones (or scales upward).
I know how to do it. I have to NOT think about technique, and instead just think about the song. The words. WHAT I'm saying. That's it. It's so simple. There is nothing on the page besides the right notes which I have already learned, the right words, which I have learned how to pronounce correctly, and the MEANING which I need to infuse into my performance and which is its truest form is the correct way to sing.
I have to have a good time with the character. No, with me.Because I am the character at that moment. I have to give over to the French silliness, the Italianate drama, the German Storm und Drang, and whatever else inspires these words and notes to cross my lips.
Perhaps this is the way I would like to deal with the 2-5 second nervousness that attacks me in the middle of songs as if to ask me- why are you doing this? Are you really good enough? Let's see- if your body does this to you, can you still sing it?
Next year when I sing a certain role that is very exposed and beautiful, I want this to not happen. I want every vocal musical line out of my mouth to be controlled by me and not a wandering, anxious, nervous, or wiley mind.
It would also be really nice if that happened this weekend too.
-g
I can sing my repertoire when I roll out of bed. I don't have to warm up and the high notes will be there. I have to warm up a bit and the low notes sound BETTER. But either way, I'm always "on" in terms of auditions. I don't have big breakdowns or nerves that I can't deal with.
Two years ago the two competitions I did I also did not have any nerves. Well, sure, I am a bit jittery/excited/nervous right before I start singing, and even a bit of the way through, but it has never REALLY influenced a performance of mine.
Over two years ago during my senior undergraduate recital was when I first experienced nerves that can take down my performance. Granted, I was kind of on the rebound of being sick, I was extremely overworked, overbusy, and overtired. I had many concerts with another on-campus group at that time, as well as the hardest final of my undergraduate career to deal with that same week.
When it came to singing- and I was prepared for all of the songs- overly prepared even- my head started to get the better of me. I started being aware of my vocal production, which led to it getting shaky because my larynx rose due to nerves. It was all in my throat, and I felt a flutter enter the voice. I felt that production was compromised, and that I was falling back on "technique" to get the sound out instead of just plain easy singing where I didn't have to think about anything.
Now, in the recordings, sure- it's not my best. BUT it's also not that noticeable to people who have never heard me or to anyone who has.
I may have been singing with what felt like was a huge dry lump in my throat, but the notes still came out, a bit softer than usual, and a bit airy.
That feeling has not really happened to me since in a whole performance. This summer during the one performance when all of my family was there I did get that feeling during the MIDDLE of the aria on-stage, but when singing "easy" rep (well, for me), it was pretty easy to deal with as well.
I think it was almost like on-stage anxiety- when I realize what is "riding" on this, what I'm actually doing, how "great" it is--but instead of thinking how great it is, I start getting nervous that I'm in such a big important place and I'll mess up or not do my best, and then the larynx thing happens.
I have not had a lot of vocal pedagogy, so I'm not sure if the laryx rising is the correct term for what is happening. It's mental, but it establishes itself physically in my throat. All of a sudden I feel an immense dryness. I feel like I can't sing a note because I just cried or screamed for 2 hours. I feel like I could control what I'm only if I either persevere (ie push) through it, or take it down a dynamic notch and try to calm whatever is jumping up and down in my system.
So the performance this summer. Again, no one noticed it. I just had a brief moment of --panic? Or mental overstimulation that got in the way of something that should happen freely and that I was prepared for.
Now to turn to today, or a previous performances. It has happened for what seems like forever to me, but what really is about a split second (or five) at almost every major performance I've had in the past 2 years.
Daughter- during the first duet. Medium during the Waltz. Lucia it didn't happen with this year- but I could feel it coming during the first aria and then suddenly it was not there.
I'm really talking tiny moments that no one else but me knows that something is just "not right". I sing through it even though I feel like my whole voice will give up under the pressure of this weird sensation.
It's almost like a hoarse sensation that only affect the high notes (the easiest for me)...and then I have to "think" about the notes, place them, instead of just sing them and have them be free like they always are.
Now, before the senior recital this never happened. I was never nervous, or aware that something could go wrong vocally or dramatically. I think I still have a lot of confidence- more than the average singer- would going into any vocal situation.
But these occurances make me think about how to overcome them and also what they mean.
Is it my mind catching up to the kind of unexplained and magical output of notes and voice that I have?
Truth be told, I have never had to really work hard for singing. Learning the music, yes. Drama on stage, dancing, yes, but the actual vocal production? No.
Runs, legato, whatever song, aria, duet, role- once I learn it it's there and it's usually in the right place.
Is my mind questioning how I get there? While on-stage? Is it actually that I DO have some sort of technique that has made it easy all of these years for me to just have to learn music and have it be well supported, in the right place, and not have to be fussed with?
Why can I be so confident and on the right track up until opening night, and then for some reason the nerves surrounding the first performance on stage for an audience get to me? And then get in the way of what I would usually not have to think about at all?
Well, today's lesson was a practice run for the weekend competition. I know I am in between good and better places in terms of some technical things. To clarify, I like to jaw, over-chew, and have sensations of singing, instead of just letting the singing happen from the top of my cheekbones and up.
The former worked for me when I was a tiny little thing and didn't have the VOmanly sound that I do now and didn't have to think about breath support, etc.
The latter is what I need to concentrate on to keep every note on the high side now that I have learned how to attack a note with good support behind it and not just sing on the leftover air inside.
It's not any type of difference to me, but to teachers and coaches alike, they say the sound is much more supported, open and round when I do this, and combined with the crazy high Q's that is a good thing.
So now I'm not just a waify high Q singer, I also have some meat on those bones (or scales upward).
I know how to do it. I have to NOT think about technique, and instead just think about the song. The words. WHAT I'm saying. That's it. It's so simple. There is nothing on the page besides the right notes which I have already learned, the right words, which I have learned how to pronounce correctly, and the MEANING which I need to infuse into my performance and which is its truest form is the correct way to sing.
I have to have a good time with the character. No, with me.Because I am the character at that moment. I have to give over to the French silliness, the Italianate drama, the German Storm und Drang, and whatever else inspires these words and notes to cross my lips.
Perhaps this is the way I would like to deal with the 2-5 second nervousness that attacks me in the middle of songs as if to ask me- why are you doing this? Are you really good enough? Let's see- if your body does this to you, can you still sing it?
Next year when I sing a certain role that is very exposed and beautiful, I want this to not happen. I want every vocal musical line out of my mouth to be controlled by me and not a wandering, anxious, nervous, or wiley mind.
It would also be really nice if that happened this weekend too.
-g
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