13 February, 2006

29 Jan. singing it again

29 January 2006 @ 01:30 pm
singing it again
After the hysteria that was, I had to sing it again last night. No lift, just a pre-opera concert.
I was warm about an hour and a half before I got up on stage. Standing backstage I kept getting nervous when others were singing. Then I sped-through the words in my head, knew that I knew this, and was still a little shaky. Why? Why? There is NO reason for this.
I told myself that as I flipped over and hung like a lifeless rag doll, trying to breathe deeply and relax myself.

If this were an audition there would be no such nerves. There would just be my trying to put myself out there, to show these people how good and prepared I am, to have FUN! Because there's nothing riding on this- if they don't want me,hopefully someone else will.

So as my stomach is mildly churning and my breathing can't relax, I'm thinking to myself- I'm good at this, why can't I just calm down? I have sung this at auditions so many times, and in performance even- and it's always been just fine- better than fine- awesome! Really something I look back at and know that I do well! Better than well.

I am reminded again of my previous post about nerves. I'm actually so flustered by the whole possible future experience of being that nervous and that shaken by a mechanical lift and its results on my general balance and well-being that I'm looking up the effects of Kava kava, bananas, beta blockers, and whatever else 'actor/singer' remedy that has made its way to the world wide web.

I know natural herbs are not FDA approved and I have no idea what's really inside what the label says. I also know that I'm not really at the step of taking something that is medically made for heart attack patients to prevent heart problems by balancing your blood pressure and not letting you have anxiety in the first place.

I don't want to have a medically induced feeling of nonfeeling, or taking away the fight or flight capability. Or do I? All I want to do is sing and act the crap out of this without anything else getting in the way- like a stupid non-hydraulic lift that does not level itself freak me out three seconds before I have to start singing one of the most famous arias of the repertoire.

I just don't know whether it will happen again.
Last night I felt surges of the nerves acting up at some points during the aria. I got over it by imagining myself at an audition and wanting to please these people and do a good job. But I was still dry, my legs still felt like they were shaking (I dont know if it looked like it), and I just didn't feel like it was all about the music. There was something getting in the way of me being able to do this the best that I have ever done it.

And I didn't like it.

Current Mood: researching

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