22 September, 2006


Why just when I feel like I'm getting somewhere in my career does the personal life get strained?
Oh yea, thee years of long distance. Riiight.

Questions my head is asking my heart and vice versa:
Could I not do auditions for summer stuff to be with him? Is it ego or career that's driving me to do these auditions? The 'norm', the 'path' of the young artist programs? prestige? what?

Could I see how many months from next year's season I can possibly be with him if not singing mainstage and just doing chorus (although that's not fair to the premise of this program)?

Could I be happy without doing any of the above two and being with him?
It's a given he's not going anywhere-he can't or else he won't graduate and move on to the next levels of research, internships, residency, etc.
So is it up to me? Or is it up to a break? Why couldn't we already be married with kids? Oh yea, because we're LONG DISTANCE for three years!



Gregory said...

Look. I can't pull any punches. Having recently become that annoying person in love you read about the other day, I get it. I really do.

But the minute that it's "music or me", then we have a real problem.

You also have the added stress of being pretty sucessful fairly early while, as you say, he can't (or won't) get his ass in gear. That's frustrating, and it's not fair to you to ask you to slow down while he catches up. If you do, you resent him. If you don't you maybe beat yourself up for the rest of your life.

Or not.

We just don't know. What we do know is what we really have to do right now. We already know, though we struggle with it.

me said...

Music or me--but it's not him putting down any ultimatum..it's ME! I WOULD give some of this up..but at this point in my career I don't know if I should. He is in the position to not be in charge of any of the years ahead- much like being in school still, which he is..but then trying to be a doctor. You can't just decide you're not going to do your residency, right? I mean, the whole point is to work your butt off for years, do the internships and residencies and then be a famous doctor/researcher...
So this is all coming from me, and there is no resentment, but instead deep sadness that our two career paths seem to keep up more apart but successful than together...and the together is SO much better than the apart, that I begin to question whether I really need the "successful". (I know in my soul I do- not the success just the music all the time).
I made the commitment yesterday to stay here for another year of training/performing. By May of '08 we be together yet apart for almost 5 years.