29 January, 2009

too much google for my own good

A trail of google-ing (that began with a facebook update, moved to firefox, and about three pages later--voila), led me to see that a certain role that I auditioned for this past fall has been cast.
I wasn't specifically waiting to hear about it, but I did think that I gave a good audition, and I was hoping. As I do for every mainstage and young artist audition, that I'll be the one they pick.
We all know the odds of that, and they're not high.

But this role...this role is what I really want to sing in full and is what I think will be one of the roles in my repertoire that really fits me like a glove and is a standout from the rest of the repertoire.

Disappointing, yes, but what can I do? I wasn't the one chosen. For whatever reason (I'm going to make the reason the fact that the production I'm already doing would have overlapped by 4 days with the rehearsal period anyway)....it isn't me, and so here is how I deal with the feelings so far.

1. Huh. Well THAT sucks.
2. Let's go back to my audition notes and see how I felt about it. Awesome.
3. Has the person they cast sung this role in its entirety before? (google). Is THAT the reason?
4. Are they simply a bigger name that I am? (google).
5. Does their agent know the artistic director?- is the conductor on the same roster or something? (google)
6. Ok then. Why not me? Looks? Height? Weight? Vocal weight? Vocal color? (google pics, google mp3s)
7. No answers, only more information that is not making anything better.
8. A few hours spent in quiet, mixed with a bit of self-pity and annoyance.
9. A few hours spent with brain spinning- well, then, what do IIIII do next that will be different and better?

And the answer?

Oh you know--everything
-- from googling what other companies have that show in their season in the next 2-3 years
--to deciding that once and for all I'm going to make sure that I have the entire thing memorized because, HEY! maybe THIS one will be that EinSpring that I so hope for in Europe
--to making sure that the crazy opera that I know that really really hard and high aria from that only about 4 other people sing is KNOWN to a certain big-ole opry house that has the opera listed on its upcoming productions in the next 3 years....and maybe ...JUST maybe that could somehow be a giant step into another house level if someone in the 'know'...knew.

The bottom line is, yes, I'm disappointed. But it's only detrimental to me if I stay in that state. Instead, I take the information, process it, and try to do something proactive about what I can do differently, better, best, next time.

1 comment:

shiksa said...

As someone in the same profession, I have to say that google can be both friend and foe of mental health. What we do is special and individual, and I always have to remind myself that it's a matter of someone else's taste. I'm sure you kick ass at what you do, and we have to be careful to safeguard that little piece of us that loves and hopes for the best. That (and a neti pot) are among our most prized assets. You take care of yourself.