i miss football..

and having a nice family weekend in the US instead of feeling like crap in Europe. Back to sleep.

turkey day minus the turkey...and in general the day...

Writing to you from my cocoon of pillows and comforters.
Today started off a little better. Then got a little worse. This cough. It was dry, then it was productive, and now it's somewhere in the awful middle. Like- THere IS something in my lungs but it won't come out with little coughs that are 'tender' to the cords. Only heaving emphesyma-esque hacks that hurt my entire body and do NOT feel good in the throat. Not at all.
So I have until noon tomorrow to decide whether I'm singing the show on Sunday.
As of right now that answer is easily no.
I haven't sung since last Thursday, and I have no intention of attempting to warm up and sing. It hurts.
And since I doubt a miracle recovery will take place between 5pm today and noon tomorrow, seeing as how I don't have any new meds or any other miracle German plant extract to get me better--I think that's that.
First show ever canceled due to illness.
At least it's a good one to have- swine flu cancellation. Nice.

Oh yea, Thanksgiving.
My family is all nice and warm and cozy in front of the fire with a bird, sweet potatoes with marshmallow on top, ginger carrot soup, and pies.
I can barely choke down some white rice and a cracker.

The MOST not fun ever.

ok, this is so not cool

Day 6 of not being able to get out of bed.
Basically the entire day I wake up every few hours in a sweat, look at the clock, can't believe I've slept so much, attempt to reach out for the nearest water or OJ bottle, take some pills, try to decide whether it's too far to walk to the kitchen and make tea, and then give up and go back to sleep. And then at 'night'- whenever that is...I sleep a bit longer...and can't believe I sleep because of all of those waking hours...asleep.

I'm not hungry, I'm not thirsty, I feel generally horrid and lightheaded. I'm not coughing SO much as the first three days, but my throat is still totally inflamed and hurts and I'm pretty sure I'll be sent into a spiral of depression if I even attempt to see what kind of scales I can sing up to right now.

The great part? I have a performance on Sunday.
That I have NO. IDEA. Whether I'll be able to sing.
I mean- that's such a crazy feeling. Usually with a cold or sinus infection you know. You know if you can just deal and sing over it, with it, etc.
I really don't know if I'll be out of BED by Sunday!
I mean, my throat could be better...maybe....if I stopped coughing completely, kept taking mucinex and clearing everything out, etc...
But will I have the stamina and voice to actually DO IT?

I mean...it's Wednesday afternoon. And if this is how I feel now, I can't imagine actually getting out of bed, getting on a train, getting in costume..warming up? I mean...jeeezz...that's just crazy.

Will this be the first-ever cancellation due to illness that I have?
THANKFULLY I'm double cast, and there is also a Queen who sings in a "children's performance' That morning so MAYBE just maybe the bases are covered for them in terms of someone to jump in and cover me.
I just hate to do it.
Drama.


Back to bed.

jinxed

Well, it happened. Possibly the most important audition of my career so far--and I have the flu.
Yep. I had an amazing week of coachings and lessons leading up to the weekend. I knew it COLD and loved it. I was feeling so so so good. Was taking SUCH good care of myself- didn't see ANY friends in ny. Didn't go out. Walked in the crisp air as much as possible. Used the subway twice...and then...the crosstown m86!!!! (I'm blaming this one hour bus ride during rush hour for me somehow getting the flu...it makes me feel better).
Yep, this gross and overly full bus with people, their dogs, little children...everything disease carrying about new york city. I took it because it was getting dark and a bit cold too (right before the crappy weather change that probably confirmed me getting sick).
And lo and behold, Thursday morning I woke up feeling not so great. Could still sing, still had a coaching and a run-through of the repertoire.
And then...Friday.
No amount of mucinex, alleve, gargling, or any other otc remedy could even prepare me for the pain that would be Saturday- complete body aches, chills, no sleep at all for two nights, feeling awful..and still..somehow WISHFUL thinking that ...oh yea... it's just a cold or a throat thing. I can get over it by Sunday.
SURE.
I didn't even know I had a fever! And I thought the chills were just...hmm...ok, ooh, I don't feel good so yea, I have the chills.

Ha.Ha.
Not so much. Went to see an ENT on Saturday thinking- ok, maybe if it's something in my throat she can give me some antibiotics and make it go AWAY by tomorrow!
She took one look at me (even though I wrote down I had no fever..but had all the other symptoms of FLU), and said- you're a walking infection. You have the flu.

Thanks.

So the non-sleeping, horrible coughing, throat aching, body shaking, headache-y, MESS that I was for the past 3 days was apparently not just some small cough that I thought I could kick.

FIrst I'm annoyed because I've never had the flu.
And I don't.get.sick very often EVER. And even if I do, it's NEVER bad enough to affect my singing from being 100% to maaayyybe 90%...and if less, I wouldn't sing.
ONE time last year I had to be put on steroids AND sing 2 final performances of an opera. ONE TIME. Out of HOW many roles and operas that I've done...ever??

So yes.
I'm EXTREMELY frustrated and disappointed. And I truly hope this opportunity hasn't passed me by.
I'm still feeling awful, frankly...and I'm supposed to get on an airplane tomorrow (don't worry I don't have a fever anymore)....
It will be one LONG flight.
And of course, I hope I get better by my NEXT performance--which is SUNDAY!

No fun Turkey day for me this year..I'll be away from home, and skyping my fam to see what the desserts that I'm not partaking of look like.

Anyway, what more can I say?
It's frustrating to feel so good and so ready for something that COULD be so big...and then..nature and body rebel.
It's not my FAULT I got the flu. I am not any more susceptible to it than the next person (except, well, I really really really tried to be extra careful this week)...
It's just a crappy situation that I HOPE will somehow turn out ok in the end.

If all things truly DO happen for a reason---that's getting a little zen/religious on myself...then...everything will still be ok.

Back to my chamomile tea...awaiting my next dose of inhaler and tamiflu.
So.Not.Cool.

So far so good

Of course I don't want to jinx anything, but things have been going reasonably well so far. 2 good coachings where I made sure I have the stamina to sing the crazy followed by the normal rep, a lesson today where I really did some good work on high E's and also singing the VOWEL E versus Ah or Oh on certain notes.
There is ONE "Ooo" place on a G (in the Doll) that I am constantly 'aware' of. Because it just doesn't jump into that FUN space for singing. It always hangs out somewhere JUST noticeable enough to be 'technique-y' and not 'sing-y'. And of course, I want everything to be 'sing-y'...don't I now!
Of course.
Worked on that a bit today, will continue with it on Friday, and be ready to bring it this weekend.

back for a week

Schedule this week:
Coaching
Competition
Audition
Coaching
Lesson
Lesson
Coaching
Audition.

And in between?
Eating as much good sushi as possible, and practicing.

more feeeedback

I was able to record my audition from the wings of the theater yesterday thanks to the lovely app called italk.
Even as I was walking out of the theater and back to the train station I was able to hear how I did and immediately begin to break it down.
First aria- pretty good, could have had a better low note before the first run, could have had a nicer shape to the very top on one cadenza. But- good.
Second aria- good, but I could tell that I was a bit tired by the end, and especially the last held high note (which I take as an optional high, but why not)...it was THERE, and for a long time too, but it just wasn't as easy-feeling (and I guess sounding) as I wanted it to be.
So here I am, kicking myself at these two or three tiny things that bugged me and that now I have on my phone as proof that I didn't do 100% super amazingly...
and then I get a call about feedback today.
That they loved the high notes, they love the attitude, they love everything about what I did, and as of right now I'm the top choice for whatever is it upcoming that's a possibility.

I just don't get it.
What is it that people like about what I do--when I DON"T? Or--when I don't feel great about it?

I mean. Ok. I'm singing on pitch. I'm shaping things musically. There are three spots I'm not happy with because I think breath control and nerves got in the way..but I still managed just fine..better than fine..and, they love it? But I don't come out of the room feeling like a champ?

It's a strange feeling for someone else to like work that you're not particularly...well I won't say proud of...but you know what I mean- that I'm not convinced was my best work.

So what's the bottom line?
To each his own, I suppose.
I just keep doing what I'm doing--and always strive for the best of course--knowing that even though I can be extremely picky about most things, other people won't pick up on things that I think I can do better in an aria that I've sung over 100 times and they're hearing for the first time from me that day.