07 March, 2006

On singing...part two (I'm not manic, really)

This is going to seem like it's coming out of left field after the #1 post.
But it's how I feel today.
WHY am I doing this?
WHAT am I working for?
WHEN will people/ears agree on what sounds good, better, best, beautiful in my voice?
HOW old is everyone else around me that has their technique put-together, that's singing as a career?
IS there anyone else my age? Are we ALL just trying to get into the same top 20 or so young artist programs to cover leading roles and hope we get to go on in case of a sick lead singer and then have a breakthrough performance followed by a stellar career?
WHAT do you do when your voice starts to play that lovely 'I'm getting a bit bigger' trick on you?
HOW is it possible that I put this awesome new technique into all of my new things, and can't figure out how to get it into my old music?
WHY don't we all take the year or 6 months that we need off to get our voices in line, really figure out who we are and what we're doing vocally, instead of always just looking for the next performing opportunity to put on our resumes?

Just as timing would have it, I am set for this summer and for next year with a mixed bag of new and old roles. I am excited, I am elated, I am challenged. I am wanting to do a good job. I am also wanting to take such a long break from actually performing to work on this new technique and getting my middle lined up (ahh,the age-old coloratura tricky middle-high passag.)
I feel like I should go on a diet of Vaccai and the 24 hits.
I feel like I want to practice singing on Aah and Eee all day instead of cracking open my scores to study my new characters and assignments that are coming up.

I know that this is just a down two days, or week, and something (probably a good lesson tomorrow or Thursday) will soon uplift me back into thinking and believing that I can do all I am scheduled to do next year and in the future.

Well, I know I can do it with what I've always done it with. I don't know yet that I can do it with this lined up free feeling.

I wish I knew someone who was a singer or not, my age or older, that knew MORE than me about the all-inclusive business and could offer me some advice or therapy. It seems like I"M always the one giving advice, reading the forums, magazines, getting the inside scoop, knowing who's on what roster, where they are going, what people are doing around me, who I am in direct "audition" competition with---but to me that's not an IOTA as important as HAVING the VOCE to back it all up!
It doesn't matter if you know your competition or not if you can't BRING IT.

I always knew I could. That was the easy part of me. And now I feel kind of like---dang, that girl doesn't know what she's up against, but it doesn't matter, cuz she's amazing. And where am I? Well, I'm still really good. I still have a novelty about me, a definite selling point, but for the first time ever, something that I'm also working toward technically. And it's frustrating to a person who has never really had to "practice" the voice as much as just "memorize" the words.

Good news: I can stand to warm up and figure this all out. It's a good challenge and I know that I'm up for it.
Bad news: I'm still gonna feel shitty about this until I prove to myself that I can do this by singing roles a,b, and c, in the new technique and kicking ass.



Embly said...

I totally understand that sort of feeling. The everything has always come naturally and easily, so what do you mean I'm not getting it?
I got super crazy bronchitus/they have no idea what it was, last summer and I couldn't sing for two months, then I continued to have serious vocal trouble for months after that, up until november december really. But my technic is just so much better now, and my voice has really opened up. So what's a good thing with out a struggle. really all great things worth having are work. It's easy to say something like that from outside a situation or after something is over, but it is in fact true.
best of luck!

me said...

yep- after yet another crappy vocal day yesterday I had an actual decent-to-good coaching today. On singing part 3 coming up soon...
thanks for the luck..and you too!