26 February, 2010

calming the crazies

Exactly one month and one week ago, I wrote how unbelievably happy and lucky I am to be having the kind of career that I want to be having--which is, ANY kind of career at all--where I get paid to do what I love, and I don't have to do anything else to support myself.

And then a long came google.
Oh google, why do you ruin my life sometimes?

Why is it SO SO SO easy to look up one thing, go on a little ninja hunt, and find that a colleague that I consider to be on par with me career wise, although a bit older than me, just got three amazing gigs. One of which I also auditioned for.
And why does that send me into a spiral of 'crazy'?
When there really is NOT so much that I can do about it?

Sure, I can google where she will be next year, how I THINK she got the gigs (because, truthfully, these days it just seems pointless to assume it's because of one audition and luck)--it's about politics, connections, agent connections, and so much more....and that's a bummer.

I can also google MYSELF and see that actually, although these three things that she is going are pretty dang awesome-- I also have a totally awesome schedule coming up complete with a premiere in a new european country, singing with one of the best orchestras in the US, and doing a role I love and a role that's brand new in my repertoire--and yes, actually it's MORE THINGS...BUT- it's not THE things the she has.

Which sends me on even more google-rific searches to find out what EVERY opera house is doing from now until 2012 and how I can figure out how to get in touch with them, whether I have sung for them before, whether anyone I KNOW sings with them, etc. etc. you get the point.

So it's this moment of very deep sadness mixed with- yes, honestly- anger and jealousy...that IMMEDIATELY turns into me needing to be proactive about the REST OF MY CAREER FOR EVER.

That proactivity turned into sending quite a few messages to my German colleagues asking them about certain etiquette for contacting smaller houses on one's own, or if a house has already heard you, how to approach them again saying "hey, wazup, remember me peeps?" (but, a little more formal, I guess)...
And it turned into some reassuring responses, a possible contact, and one VERY important thought that was emailed to me by a 'forum friend'--we don't even know each other in real life, but we know enough from facebook and friends that we can be considered 'close' in the singer-singer world...
who said:

"Yes, it's easy to freak out, but in the end, you can only do what YOU can do and not worry too much about the others.
I hate the business side. And I also hate how it's so little about the actual art we do but about agents and connections.
Such is life. But at least you have someone who will be at your side through the good and the bad times!"

And that last line could NOT ring truer.
It's not even a "BAD" time- I just had a bad night upon discovery of this information and following mini-freakout about 'the career'.

One year ago today I met (at a train station in Frankfurt) my now-future-....can I say it online....husband!
And so I think I have better things to think about and be happy about than feeling like somehow some doors closed and opportunities were missed in the US while I was over here having the time of my life this past year.

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