Had a short coaching today with a new pianist for upcoming audition.
There is always that 'adjustment' time. I'm used to doing this with someone else. Period. No one will be the same.
And I can't let that throw me off of my game.
I don't feel as 'supported' because this new person doesn't know me, isn't invested in my success necessarily, and just- doesn't play it 'like I'm used to'.
That psyched me out a little at the coaching today. I could feel myself getting a bit-- well, upset isn't the word- but vocally emotional I would say- to the point where my larynx was trying to shove itself into my eyeballs.
Can I still sing when that happens? Yes. Does it feel good? No. Does it sound the BEST BEST BEST that it could sound? No. Is it still accurate?
There is that but that's just NOT the same.
I have two days to mentally and emotionally prepare for doing this large audition with a partner different that who I am used to.
And I have to deal with that.
It's nothing musical, it's mental.
I have to make myself feel like I'm not being 'tested' by this new person who is supposed to be my support.
I have to make myself believe that it doesn't matter what notes are happening under me- what is most important is each and every single note that is coming out of my mouth.
I am going to write positive things and make them happen.
I'm going to concentrate on what I'm doing. I'm going to LOVE each and every opportunity that I get to do this. I'm going to remember how many times I've practiced this in the shower, in my bedroom, in the practice room, and under my breath standing at a deserted tram stop. This is EASY for me. I remember singing it into a mirror on the bathroom wall and just smiling because it's fun and awesome and cool.
I want THAT feeling on Friday.
The feeling of 'knowing' how fun it is, how easy it is, how- I'm not doing this to impress anyone, I'm just doing it, because I can do it.
Edited to add possible new mantras:
I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darnit, people like me...
Blue Steel? Ferrari? Le Tigra? They're the same face! Doesn't anybody notice this? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills! I invented the piano key necktie, I invented it! What have you done, Derek? You've done nothing! NOTHIIIING! And I will be a monkey's uncle if I let you ruin this for me, because if you can't get the job done, then I will!
hahaha. Automatically cheered myself up.