owww...my most of me. and Zerbie breakdown.

Back in-state, and after the flight today and having to go immediately to 4 hours of rehearsals, when I got home at 5 I thought I'd take a little nap.
Fast forward- it's 10:35 and I just woke up. I was out cold.

Oddly enough my coaching today on Act III went REALLY well vocally! Hmm..should I not warm up, be overtired, and just "do it" and see what happens more often?

We are talking about process this week and next, regarding our scenes (that have to be staged and memorized and ready to go).

I never knew just a table read to reveal so much.

For example, we were discussing the Commedia characters in the quartet of Ariadne today- what we want, who we are, what's in the way of getting it, why we change our minds halfway through.

Then we get to the aria. Now, this is something I've always enjoyed for the "academic" challenge of singing it like Strauss meant it to be sung, and also of course for the "character".
But today I pulled out SO SO SO much more- from personal life and just making decisions about this character- that I know I'll never sing it the same way again.

So, my summary of what happened while breaking down the first section of the aria:
Grossmachtige prinzessin- I have to address you now in YOUR lofty operatic ways, because you will not stoop to be convinced by our troupe of actors and the "common man's music".
Objective: Get Ariadne to look up from her sulking about one man and one love.
Obstacle- she's not responsive.
Means: Describe my own past and how, though I don't go looking for multiple relationships at the same time, when they come my way they are really great, and- how can I blame myself for the advances of men and my weakness for not saying no?

Verlassen:
Siding with her that men are at fault for our affairs of the heart. Not working.

Eine kurze nacht: Describing these affairs and how exciting they are- trying to get a rise out of Ariadne for her to agree that my "common" view of of love--ie, my worldview, can be fun and exciting.
Cadenza on verwandtlungen- high to low- So, in my opinion it's the courting process. First the guy comes up to you, gives you some flowers, give you some chocolates..and in return gets to have a "hold" on me, lower and lower... not yet the orgasm though...save that for later cadenzas.

Noch glaub: Ok, shoot- my descriptions didn't work. I'm trying to have some girl talk with her and get her to see that waiting for this one true love isn't everything in the world.
But wait- what if she IS right? Let me describe what happens to me. Noch glaub ich dem einen ganz mich gehoren...

Here I am singing Ariadne's music. This is the lofty high stuff that the Composer thinks should be "real opera". I'm doing it because this is my truth and beginning of my transformation- which is the realization that Ariadne COULD be right in some ways.

My worldview has shaped by that which I have encountered. It never occured to me to hold out for one man. I take things as they come at me, and I end up hurt, but there is also pleasure involved.

Ich halte mich treu, und bin shon schlecht: I used to do this as a joke, but actually- yes, I AM true, and then those naughty men make me naughty.
It feels good. Should I want to feel anything else? Am I missing something by not waiting for one man?

Betrug ich ihn endlich und lieb in noch recht: I'm using your music here, Ariadne. But being the most honest about what I feel in these relationships. I give myself over to the moment. I'm transformed by their "love". This is what love is for me.
(Is there another way in my worldview?)

Well, that's as far as we got today. But the so war section and the als ein gott section will surely be just as interesting to delve into.

I think I discovered a sense of self-awareness through this table read that I didn't give Zerbie before. I thought she was a fun-loving gal just trying to make someone feel better about herself and tell her (Ariadne) that life isn't just about one guy.

But I have to be transformed as well, and that means questioning MY worldview as opposed to hers.
IS the love that I've experienced enough for me? Am I not just a tad bit bitter about having all of these physical relationships but not one love to really show for it?
How do I deal with that dichotomy when I'm trying to convince her not to wait for the god/man that she is holding out for?

And then there was the whole analogy that you could make to "saving yourself" for one man- emotionally, physically, etc.
HAVE I thought about that before? Was I WEAK to submit? Or did I actually WANT the advances towards me?
Is there some aspect of guilt or conscience that I feel? And is it guilt of the physical act? Or guilt that if in the future I DO find that ONE man, that I won't be "pure" like Ariadne is for him?

So many questions! It's so great. Seems like a ramble here, but I'll be re-reading this to remember my ideas I'm sure.