just so i don't forget

I just watched some dvds of some of my first professional opera performances in the process of making clips, dvds, using too much free technology downloaded from goodness knows where, and that will hopefully not crash my computer.

2004:
First French role in that house.
Good diction.
A bit of jaw tension! (disappears by first show of 2005- hurrah)
Nice acting chops but you can tell that I'm going on pure adrenalin/nerves because it's so ME up there, rather than the character. Which is nice and sweet, and actually works. It's just that I can tell I'm ME trying to be the character, and not ME feeling comfortable enough to let myself explore the character and then give myself over to it.
A nice surprising lightness, airiness, laughter, and PURE joy in my eyes and smile because I'm finally doing it!

2005:
First English role in that house.
V.good diction.
I'm getting a lot more into character here. It's a darker kind of young woman and it's definitely not me up there. I'm exploring her well. I remember exactly the two measures that I got nervous in during the ACt II aria and had to pump myself up mentally to get through the rest of the piece. By the end, it's pretty mesmerizing and completely another person. I captured her fragility, kept her young, and sounded still young-ish, but with more drama in the voice.
Jaw tension gone.
If I could do it again I'd work on body placement and intension in my directional movement on stage.

2005 (later that year):
The end all and be all of Italian bel canto repertoire (yes, I was young- but I still sang the crap out of it)
Voice sounds even more mature- I had a lot more heart in the cadenzas and twists and turns along the way in interpolations and runs--meaning, the notes all meant something rather than just coming out correctly and stunning the audience with that kind of zing.
I DID try too much in some low/middle places and pitch suffered. Tried to sound like those famous gals before me too much, and the low/middle, which I was still working on, should have been left alone and sung lighter instead of what I did.
High notes still ring, coloratura spot on.
Acting was actually frighteningly there when I was in the moment. Which, I admit was NOT all the time. I gave myself too much time to think about what I was about to do, and I could read that in my own performance.
I see myself sitting on stage right, singing beautifully and innocently, and know that in the back of my mind I was trying NOT to get up ON the beat, and planning to take the cross downstage against the music.
And after those 5 seconds I'm back again as the character, with more dedication than ever.

2006
Repeat of one of my favorites, new house:
Yes to voice, Yes to acting. Yes to it being a performance that made a mark here and then continued to impress the next year.

And 2007
previous show:
And now it comes together.
The acting is driven by the character study. The music is nothing to worry about, sounds and looks as it should coming out of my mouth.
It seems easy. It's enjoyable to watch. It's fun. I'm that person. Not me.
And I'm having a really good time!

So.
Just so I don't forget, whenever I feel that crazy "what in the world am I doing and how can it possibly be good?" feeling---
It IS good.
Better than good.
It's polished, it's ready. It's where it's supposed to be.
And so am I.