every year...

Every year, this time of year...I read wall posts and status updates from singer friends on facebook, I see the yaptracker announcements, and my stomach starts to turn.
Why? Because, as a professional artist since 2006 with my last RAP and YAP that year, yes, the same year I got my masters degree...I am supposed to be DONE with this game.
And then I see--
what?
Friends who are WELL past my age (I'm talking 3-6 years here) auditioning as young artists!
And I start to think, wouldn't it be nice to crawl back into the cozy nest of being an apprentice somewhere for a year, being paid to have lessons and coachings and cover roles, ...and just...being PAID all year?
Of course, yes, what I'm making this year about adds up plus some more to what the salary would be from a BIG company that happens to have its finals this weekend which I HAPPENED to be invited to and turned down.

Turned down because I DID have work through 2011...when they begin the program.
But nonetheless, turned down...and now when I see what singers they ARE hearing...and see that we've done the same programs, that they are older, and I don't understand why they are singing for the program or why that program would invite a professional singer there...
I just don't get it...
and it puts me on edge.

On edge because of auditions coming up for MAINSTAGE stuff that I want to obviously rock, but with always the question lurking in the back of my mind--SHOULD I have flown back and done it? WOULD I have been able to move to this place for a year, be a young artist, and would it have somehow made my career BETTER, even though it would be taking a step BACKWARDS for a year? (Although, the association with this big house is worth a LOT)...

I just don't know. It's not for me to know, I suppose, because I am not there. I don't know if they have a girl 'my type' singing there today.. 2 others that I know approach my rep, but not as high, and a bit more lyric...

At any rate, I have to really try and stop thinking about it despite being SO SO curious if they take a 'me'- meaning, I would have had a chance, had I gone. Maybe. Bla.

IN OTHER NON-DRIVING-MYSELF-CRAZY news,
I just practiced. It was awesome.
I won't start with the "if I can sing like THIS on THAT day" stuff, but really...
I felt really good about today, sang through all of the rep, had FUN and wasn't thinking about anything but just putting it all out there...
And that's when it works.
I have to get past all the 'crazy' around me...career wise and business wise, even though I KNOW all about it. Take it in, forget about it, and keep on doing what I know I do best.