when it rains...it's raining.

Well, the shit has hit the proverbial fan in my personal life. And this after two days of soul-opening conversations, friendships expanded through sharing and trust, and happiness at the realization that "love is all you need"...or is it?

There was a very famous writer at a small dinner gathering for "opera parents" and their adopted summer kids, and some other friends. The question was posed to the singers present- all females- how do you balance wanting a career with wanting/having love, marriage, kids, etc.
We all said we wanted it all. We knew we may not be ready for one thing, but eventually we want it both- maybe not at the same time, but yes, in life.

And then this brilliant man of very few spoken words described to us the utter nothingness that is his life now that his wife is no longer living. How he now knows that nothing matters because there is no one to share it with. How he would not have changed anything in career or life because spending his life with her was the most important thing he ever did. How you bring one hundred percent of yourself to a relationship that is 50-50 with each person to make a whole....I mean, we were all tearing up.

And then last night happened. The final phone conversation of the summer perhaps. Because it's too painful to talk for just 5 minutes every night and not have it mean anything. Because somehow not speaking or communicating is going to make us stronger. Because it's not a relationship anyway if we don't have meaningful conversations and are more frustrated by the fact that the other person has a schedule that does not work the same way yours does, and therefore talk is Not cheap because there is always something to be running off to for the night owl, or sleep needed for the early bird.

I wrote about this a lot more at 2am last night when I was not sleeping, not thinking about the first sing-through with the conductor today...(in which apparently I had this character and voice and musicality all wrong because I was asked to repeat everything that I did a second time and do it differently...and it's not that I didn't sing well, it just wasn't the feeling that he wanted for the character. Alrightythen.)..and not really thinking about anything but crying anyway.

-g