Tuesday morning was the first time I had to leave the little one for work. Of course I knew he would be fine in terms of someone taking care of him (in this VERY lucky and rare case, my husband who is working from 'home' for this month while I'm at rehearsals, as well as my mother in law who is here to help out since the husband actually has to WORK even though he's 'home'). I knew he had enough milk (pumped with love at 5am). I knew it was only a 3 hour rehearsal, plus 30 minutes of getting there each way.
But what I didn't know what how horrible it would feel to come back home for our lunch break, see him sleeping and want SO much to wake him up and tell him I still loved him even though I wasn't there all morning. Of course, NEVER wake a sleeping baby! So I waited an hour, he woke up, all smiles, ate, and then went back to sleep when I went to my 2nd call of the day.
For some reason I still felt guilty, sad, and thinking that he loved me just a little less (as if he knew I was even gone- he was napping the whole time!).
But, since it wasn't me taking care of him 24 hours a day as I have been for the last 8 weeks, it was just different.
I could concentrate on the music. I was fine in rehearsals. But as soon as I walked out of the theater I was only thinking about getting back and whether anything was 'different'.
Was his 'routine' (or, lack thereof for an 8 week old) the same, could I still soothe him best (or was it my MIL now who put him down to nap so often during the day), etc. etc.
Yes, at the end of the day, everything was perfectly fine, but I still felt guilty.
Thankfully, my rehearsals for the first week have been SO light- aside from the first day's sing through, only 2-3 hours a day, which is amazing.
AND to top it all off, my last rehearsal was today at noon (Friday), and we are off until Tuesday- how does THAT happen? ! In the US this would be unheard of (only one day off a week), in addition to the fact that I would be guaranteed to be called at least to two sessions per day, ie, six hours of rehearsal.
So- I'm thankful that with a 9 week old baby, starting to work again is so far going well.
My day still looks something like the following and I don't know how long I can keep that going with so little sleep:
Let's start with nighttime-
Midnight-12:20 breastfeed, 12:20-1- watch the little one roll around, grunt, whinny, and make strange noises as he hopefully goes from LIGHT sleep to deep sleep.
1:30am-ish, I fall asleep.
3:30am-4am- hear him wake up, breastfeed, try to get him back in the bassinet without waking him up since he fell asleep at the boob.
4:30am-ish, I fall asleep.
6:30am-7am- he wakes up again, breastfeed, only this time it's 'morning' so we do diaper changes (crying), clothes changes (crying), begin the soothing-waking-playing (reading books, looking in the mirror, or music listening) for 45 minutes.
7:45-8:15- is he napping yet?
8:30-9, OH MAN I"M TIRED
9-shower and get some clothes on
9:33- bus to the theater
2- back for the afternoon until 5, repeat the breastfeeding, playing, crying, napping scenario once or twice and choose between eating lunch and napping myself.
5:33- back to theater
6-8 or 6-10, rehearsal.
Come back, he's lightly sleeping, breastfeed at midnight.
Wash, Rise, Repeat.
Week one is complete, I know it was a light load in terms of rehearsal, but I made it.
Onward and upward.